Founder of Sober Gratitudes
Why Sarah Chose the Sober Life?
and how she's maintained for over eight years, one day at a time...
I was 14 when I had my "first drunk". I fell in love with the sensation of this magical liquid drug pumping through my veins. It melted away my anxiety and helped me feel more comfortable in my skin. It helped me numb traumatic experiences. It quieted the voices in my head that said “you are a burden,” you aren’t good enough,” or “you aren’t smart enough,” “you are too sensitive,” “you don’t fit in.”
Drinking was my liquid confidence. Drinking made me feel right. Drinking made me feel safe. Drinking made it easier to keep secrets- Shameful, embarrassing and heart wrenching secrets.
So, there it was, I was 14 and found my life partner. My partner would ultimately help me manage through life and do what I felt was expected of me.
For many years, I lived a seemingly normal life. I succeeded by most accounts. But I was always trying to quit or control my drinking on my own. After having children, I became increasingly aware of the fact that my dependency on alcohol affected my mental, physical and spiritual health. It effected my relationships with others and myself. A low self-esteem issue became a full blown self -loathing & self- hatred war. I felt I was worthless, useless and that nobody loved me.
It didn’t matter how “normal” my life looked from the outside, because inside, I was living in Hell. It was utterly exhausting keeping up the appearance that I was “ok,” while deep down I was suffering.
By 39 years of age, I wanted to die. I had been drinking daily now for two years. Every day. Every fucking day. I hid it so well. I didn't dare share this secret to anyone. Every morning I woke up, I was hungover and livid that God didn’t take me in my sleep. Then I would tell myself "Ok, today's the day I will stop!!" But by 3pm I popped the cork and dove into Liquid Hell…again. Over and over and over. I wanted to stop by this point but couldn't imagine living with out my crutch; my "life partner." How would I cope with out it? How could I enjoy life with out it? I was confused, irritable, angry at myself that my inner life was out of control- and I was beginning to understand it was because of my drinking.
By some miracle or Grace from God, one night in the Spring of 2012 – i I had an extraordinarily profound dream. It was a long dream that ended with me being drowned in a huge vat of liquid. I woke up gasping for air. I was overwhelmed with emotion. I was frozen in disbelief. I knew the dream was a message. This dream could not have been more literal. I was drowning myself in alcohol.
After that dream, a new thought popped into my head. It told me to "google local AA meetings". It was the first time I ever had that thought. I walked into a meeting that evening and found “my people.” I cried because I had a deep sense of relief, but I was also afraid. They were speaking my language. I didn’t know any of them, but I understood their feelings. I found a community that I was longing for my entire life. I was finally ready to let others help me; I was willing to do the work to change my life from the inside out.
Since that day, my life has changed drastically for the better. My journey in sobriety continues to unfold because I remain willing to grow with an open heart. I realized that my life meant something. I didn’t know what that was for a while, but came to understand that my mission in life would be to help others by building a sober community through podcast and continue daily service work in my hometown area.
I am grateful that the obsession to drink has been lifted and I found the courage to do the inner work to reach emotional sobriety. I have not had a drop of alcohol in since August 19, 2012.
Quitting alcohol and staying stopped blessed me with the chance to be the kind of a person I always wanted to be and recover LOUDLY with out SHAME. For me, this choice was the right one.
Sarah is a fearless advocate for sobriety. Her uplifting, always positive outlook will not only inspire but move you to where you really want to be in life. I am grateful for the work Sarah does in raising awareness and ending stigmas for our global community.