I was 14 when I found my life partner after getting highly intoxicated.  Alcohol. My anxiety melted away when I drank it.  It helped me numb traumatic experiences. It quieted the ugly voices in my head. My partner would ultimately help me manage through life and do what I felt was expected of me. Until, decades later, it turned against me.

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For many years, I lived a seemingly normal life. I succeeded by most accounts. But I was always trying to quit or control my drinking on my own.  After having children, I became increasingly aware of the fact that my dependency on alcohol affected my mental, physical, and spiritual health.  It effected my relationships with others and myself. A low self-esteem issue became a full-blown self -loathing & self- hatred war. What was the point of my life?

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It did not matter how “normal” my life looked from the outside, because inside, I was living in Hell. It was utterly exhausting keeping up the appearance that I was “ok,” while deep down I was suffering.

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By 39 years of age, I wanted to die. I had been drinking daily now for two years. I did not dare share this secret to anyone. Every morning I woke up, I was hungover and livid that God did not take me in my sleep. Then I would tell myself "Ok, today's the day I will stop!!" But by 3pm I popped the cork and dove into “Liquid Hell” …again. Over and over and over. I promise you, I truly wanted to stop by this point. Doing so felt like a total impossibility. Leave my "life partner"? How would I cope with out it? How could I enjoy life without it? I was confused, irritable, angry at myself that my inner life was out of control- and I was beginning to understand it was because of my drinking.

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By some miracle or Grace from God, one night in the Spring of 2012 – I had an extraordinarily profound dream that ended with me being deliberately drowned in a huge vat of liquid. I woke up gasping for air.  This dream was a message- I was drowning myself in alcohol.

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As I lay frozen in utter deflation, a new thought popped into my head:  "google local recovery meetings". I attended my first meeting feeling utterly desperate and ready to let others help me; I was willing to change.

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Since that day, my life has transformed in miraculous ways. My journey in sobriety continues to unfold because I am always willing to do the right thing with an open heart. I finally believed that my life meant something. I came to believe that my mission in life would be to help others by building a sober community through podcast, sponsor women, daily service work in my hometown area and I serve on The Board of Directors at https://www.mrs-wilsons.org/index.html , a local non-profit addiction & treatment home for women.

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I am grateful that the obsession to drink has been lifted and I found the courage to do the inner work to reach emotional sobriety. I live a more peaceful life, free of toxic drama and conflict. I am a better wife, mother, friend and friend to myself. I have a solution to live life more comfortably and more authentically. I am living a life true to myself.  I will never drink again because if I do, I will lose everything that I have gained since 2012.

 

I have not had a drop of alcohol in since August 20, 2012 and plan to stay sober one day at a time for the rest of my life.

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~Sarah Elizabeth